Sasha, Sasha
by Meg Ducky
Summary: Mothwing is struggling to cope with the aftermath of the Dark Forest battle, and the aftermath of her kins' betrayal. The only comfort she can find is speaking to her mother, even if her mother isn't there.


**Just wanna say now that, yes, I did have this on my old account! I was proud of it so I decided to move it here, though I made it into more of a story form rather than leaving the drabble as it originally was. Mainly because the original format seemed like it would go against the rules, and I'd rather not have my account suspended again. Also, I have a poll up, so if you don't mind checking it out and possibly voting, that'd be great!**

 **Anyway - enjoy!**

Darkness filled every corner of the den, the light from the stars outside blocked by the forms of sleeping warriors. The air was still, interrupted by the sounds of quiet snores and soft whines of pain. Everything was peaceful. Everything except a certain medicine cat's troubled mind.

Mothwing stared blankly at the wall of her den, tail curled tightly around herself, her fur prickling with unease. Her mind was clouded with tired thought after thought, rendering her unable to pick something to focus on. She was on edge, even though she knew she had nothing to worry about - the Dark Forest had been defeated, after all.

Still, even the comfort of that knowledge couldn't help. It had been days since the battle, and she knew even more good cats would join StarClan soon - a few Clanmates in her den were dying, and there was nothing she could do to help.

Quietly, she heaved herself to her paws, unable to remain in the stuffy den any longer, and carefully picked her way through the wounded cats, doing her best not to disturb anyone. Once at the entrance to her den, she picked up her pace and padded toward the entrance to camp, catching the attention of the two guards.

"Everything alright, Mothwing?" Minnowtail murmured, rising to her feet gingerly as she stared at the medicine cat in concern.

The dappled she-cat briefly hesitated under the stares of Minnowtail and Mintfur before dipping her head, forcing her fur to lie flat. "Everything's fine - I just need to clear my mind for a bit."

The two warriors exchanged nervous glances.

"Would you like me to join you?" Mintfur asked, swishing his tail against the ground nervously.

Panic began to swell inside the medicine cat's chest, leaving her feeling as though she was unable to breathe, but she did her best to remain calm. "I'll be fine alone," she said briskly and bounded out of the camp, ignoring the urge to break into a full run. She could feel her Clanmates' gazes burning into her pelt as she disappeared from sight, though she did her best to keep her collected persona as she raced toward the lake, weaving through the reeds with ease.

Then, once at the shore, she began to gasp for breath, feeling her legs tremble as she slumped to the ground, feeling some comfort as the water lapped lazily at her paws. Blood roared in her ears and her fur began to bristle once more, and even though the night was clear, she felt as though she was about to be ambushed.

Mothwing closed her eyes and focused on the feeling of the water, forcing her breathing to slow into a rhythm once again. Slowly, the feeling of panic began to subside, and she carefully sat up, opening her eyes to stare out at the starry reflection of the lake surface. "StarClan help me," she breathed, ignoring the odd feeling on her tongue after speaking those words. It had been moons since she had last asked StarClan for guidance. It had been moons since she had last believed in them. But after the battle... she realized they were more than just stars. More than just stories.

She lifted her muzzle and stared up at the sky, up at the stars that she once saw as meaningless. Her vision blurred and she dug her claws into the muddy ground, feeling her heart tighten with grief as she found herself thinking of her mother. More than ever, she wanted her mother there with her. She needed her.

With a heavy sigh, Mothwing lowered her head, gritting her teeth. She had no idea if her mother was dead or alive, where she was if the latter, and if she was happy. Would she be happy if she knew what had become of her kits?

"Sasha," Mothwing breathed and looked up at the sky once again. She knew it was dumb for her to try and speak to her mother as if she could hear her, but the pull to do so was strong, and she wanted to believe that her mother would somehow hear her words. "Sasha, we promised you we would never tell anyone who our father was. We kept that promise until you told all the Clans because you wanted us back."

The dappled she-cat took a deep breath to steady herself, feeling grief once more come crashing down. "But we stayed because our loyalties lied with RiverClan, and I made that promise to Hawk, that I would stay with him forever." She closed her eyes, her breathing quickening as she struggled to remain in control of her emotions, feeling like a helpless kit. "You told us you were proud of us. Would you still be proud if you learned what has become of us? Hawk had followed in father's pawsteps. He wanted to take over the Clans for his own gain, and he killed to do so. Would you still be proud of me, even though I have rejected him and father?"

Mothwing stood up and began to pace along the shoreline, lashing her tail in agitation, her troubled mind reeling with memories of her past. "Sasha... did you know what Hawk did to me? He faked a sign from StarClan so Mudfur would choose me to be his apprentice. But all that time... it was a lie. He did that just so he could have power. He destroyed my faith in StarClan when he revealed to me what he had done, and then forced me to make up prophecies in his favor. He said if I didn't, he would tell the Clan that I no longer believed in StarClan. He changed since you left.

"Were you aware of the fact our father had two other kits? Bramblestar of ThunderClan and Tawnypelt of ShadowClan. Both cats are respectable and neither are like father or Hawk, but Bramblestar looks so much like father..." Mothwing stopped her pacing and stared up at the starry sky, swallowing heavily as grief coursed through her veins. "Did you believe in StarClan, Sasha? I did until Hawk ruined it for me. But now I know they are real. I saw them with my own eyes. They fought with us against the Dark Forest. Against..."

She lowered her head, turning her muzzle toward the lake. "Did you hear? Father had trained Hawk in his dreams and made him a killer. Bramblestar had to kill Hawk twice, both times because Hawk was going to kill an innocent cat. Knowing I was working against him and father during the battle... it hurt. They were family, but... but..." Mothwing lifted her head once more to the sky, inhaling sharply as a sharp pain of anger pricked her heart. "They're not family to me anymore. They're dead - gone for good. And I'm glad... Oh, mama... I'm _glad_ my own kin are dead."

She sat down and curled her tail around her paws, curling her lips as the world around her blurred with grief. "Mama, I want to go home. Back to when we were kits, before Tadpole died. Back to when Hawk was still good. I can't hear Tadpole; I don't know where he is. He's... he's gone for good too, I think, and it scares me. I want to be with you again. Do you remember us, mama? Do you still care for us? Do you even miss us?"

Taking a deep breath, she squeezed her eyes shut, her body shaking despite the warm breeze that ruffled her fur. "I want everything back! I want Hawk back, I want Tadpole back, and I want you back! It hurts so much knowing that my brothers are gone, and that you're not here... Mama, I miss you so much... I just want to see you again."

Mothwing knew from the start she would receive no response, but even so, the silence felt like her heart had been clawed out, and she fell onto her belly. Her body shook harder and she buried her muzzle under her paws before she let out a heartbroken wail. "Mama, come back! Please come back!"


End file.
